Once upon a time in a land called Brooklyn there was a queer comic who could no longer travel to other far off lands to perform, nor even really walk around her apartment, all because she had a messed up hip.
Her friends got together and raised money so she could buy insurance. And when the queer comic went to the fancy big city doctor she found that the problem was never her hip, or at least not at first. Her problem was her knee which had been destroyed by getting hit by a car at age 12, kneeling on a bare concrete floor for four hours a day for a few years and other general knee abuse. The lucky result of this good diagnosis meant that there was also a good solution, albeit an unpleasant one: a total knee replacement surgery.
A few hours post op. The Queer Comic was moved into a room with another patient who kept refusing to take her Haldol. It was a bit of a long night and the Queer Comic was glad for company of friends.
Still life with drain. One of the Queer Comic’s friends thought that was a container of dried fruit. It was not.
This photo was on the Queer Comic’s phone but she doesn’t remember it being taken. It was probably taken by another queer comic friend of Kelli’s who also brought her a copy of People and attempted to quiz the Queer Comic about celebrity names. The Queer Comic did not do very well on this quiz.
Post Op Day 2. The Queer Comic was already walking around with a walker, albeit not very happily.
Can you find the knee in this photo? Knee replacements are like the Olympic champions of swelling. Some people have swelling for as long as one year post replacement. The Queer Comic found this out after the surgery, and was glad she hadn’t known about this fact earlier.
The Queer Comic’s friends have been amazing through this whole process. They brought hummus and tiny tigers. Or maybe lions.
And then the Queer Comic was very happy to go home. Friends and family visited, and a visiting nurse removed the dressing allowing the Queer Comic to see the incision for the first time. It was not a small incision, and the Queer Comic is not very tall, so the incision looked all the larger in comparison.
Still Life With Feline and Ice. There is little in the world more gay than a middle aged lesbian with a knee problem who returns home post surgery to have the resident cat immediately sit on that knee.
This is the bruise that the Queer Comic had on her back from the spinal anesthesia. Bruise or no, spinal anesthesia beats the hell out of waking up out of general anesthesia, confused and in horrible pain. Bring on the bruises, says the Queer Comic. And not even in a kinky way this time.
About five days post-op. The swelling is starting to subside, but there is little sign of an actual kneecap.
The Queer Comic’s mom took this photo. If you look closely, you can see the Queer Comic is being guarded by Lulu the Cat. “Guarded”
Post Knee Replacement, there is no comfortable way to sleep. Even four weeks post op this is true. The cat positioning doesn’t help much either, but it sure is cute.
The Queer Comic’s sister came to visit and brought her wonderful children, only one of who is an actual child. Everyone had a great time making science fiction themed shrinky dinks.
Because of a mix-up/miscommunication at the surgeon’s office, the Queer Comic couldn’t get an appointment to get the stitches out until mid January. The Queer Comic is also a nurse and decided to take out her own stitches. This is the incision just before removing said stitches.
And this is just after removing them. Not bad huh? The Queer Comic felt very very proud of herself. Perhaps ridiculously so.
These are the stitches after they came out. Kelli kept them for a while but after even her least squeamish friend didn’t want to look at them, the Queer Comic threw them away.
The Queer Comic had a lot of problems getting outpatient physical therapy set up, so with some help from friends, she created her own program. 11 exercises, three times a day. Because anything worth doing is worth overdoing, says the Queer Comic.
And here is the knee, four weeks post op. Note the Queer Comic is in the standing position! Tap dancing video to come.
There really is a tap dancing video to come, so keep in touch!.
And if you’re in the New York area and you’re interested in hearing all the hilarious tales of the Queer Comic and her knee surgery, come to Stand Up Standing Up and Other Hilarious Tales of Queer Health on 1/25 at the Stonewall. More info and advance ticket link right here.