Except for, I believe, 2009 when my girlfriend said “get out of bed dammit! I’m wearing an outfit!”

I understood what that meant and got out of bed immediately. I am nothing if not well trained.

ANYWAY, I hate New Year’s Eve and yet I am leaving my house for this event. So I think you should too! It’s going to be a really good time, some of my favorite people are performing and I’m going to be sharing a very special New Year’s Eve story that does NOT involve body fluids. Also rumor has it that I will be talking about the apocalypse because I never got to talk about it in July.

Also, I am almost positive no one will be dressed up as the creepy baby New Year. I mean, theoretically, there might someone there who just happened to come dressed as an adult baby, but probably not because I bet if that’s your kink you really don’t want to be mistaken for Baby New Year.

Anyway, did I tell you how great the performers will be?

New Year’s Eve: Ushering in a Great Cosmic Shift

A great cosmic shift is coming in 2012 and we want you to ring it in with hot queers, old friends and new lovers. Join us at Dixon Place where we’ve put together a great show of comedy, music and burlesque plus a hot, sexy DJ all night long.

$10 at the door from 9 pm until 1 am.

Have drinks, hang with your friends, meet a new lover or two, and let your ball drop. Or both!

Show starts at 10 pm.
DJ starts at 11 pm.

Drink specials all night long.

Join Bevin Branlandingham, your Femmecee, with:

Diana Cage – Queer (Femme)inist, Author
Kelli Dunham – ex nun, nerdelicious author & comic
Bambi Galore – the chameleon of tease
Jessica Halem – bad feminist
Ben Lerman – Sick and brilliant ukulele comedy

PS You don’t have to believe in cosmic shifts to come to this. Seriously, I don’t even know what the hell folks are talking about. Just come for a fun, chill, entertaining evening.  Oh yeah, you can RSVP on facebook too.

Last time I posted my resume on monster, I somehow opted in to their Excelle Newsletter which is a career zine for women (get it, “excel + le” to feminize it, since excelling isn’t naturally a feminine quality) and it’s a real sexist piece of crap.

Their most recent feature was “10 Wardrobe Items Every Woman Should Have” which is, of course, just an excuse for links to retailers where you can buy those oh so essential items.

Just the same, is this really necessary:

Item # 5

A closet staple, the “little black dress” should be made of a sturdy but lightweight fabric like a cotton/rayon blend. Avoid heavy wool fabrics that counteract the slimming effects of the color and limit wear during the warmer seasons.

Because
1. Women look like this when they are walking across the desert
2. Women are too stupid to know, without coaching, that wool will be too hot to wear during the summer (perhaps this is what motivated the desert illustration?)
3. The whole purpose of the little black dress = slimming.
4. And that’s really the most important thing for all women.

They also suggest women own one pair of sneakers for working out and also casual activities like shopping.
Direct damn quote.

Because that’s the only activity women really like. Don’t get me wrong, I know lots of women who love a black dress and can totally rock some shopping. But not a single one of them would list “shopping” first on their “casual activity” lists.

I would understand this from Good Housekeeping or Better Homes and Tighter Vaginas or whatever. But a career website? Really?

And the article had more than 37,000 views so far. I feel like I want to sue Monster for career guidance malpractice. Although I guess technically, promoting stupidity probably isn’t against any actual laws except for the ones I’ve written in my head.

Remember, there’s more likely to be a comment thread on this post at livejournal.com